Be strong Faten

All my life, I have been struggling. Bila struggle tu, rasa macam I lah paling struggle. But of course I was wrong, lebih banyak, ribuan mungkin jutaan manusia/individu yang lebih struggle dari I. I know I am selfish, terasa seperti paling tersakiti, teruji. Walhal banyak lagi manusia yang lagi besar ujian from me. 

I know. I know. 

But I just don't know how to fight the demon in me. I can blame my childhood trauma, I can blame people, but blaming will never solve my problem. My question to myself is.. Okay Faten, what's next? 

I am super duper thankful to Allah my husband is my support system. The biggest and strongest. He may not know how to pujuk ke, nasihat ke, manja kan i ke, lol. But he is super duper helpful when I fall into sadness and feel like not moving or want to do anything, he will definitely help me. TQ sayang. Moga syurga buat suami ku. 

So semalam, I nak heal, i nak anak i pun keluar jalan-jalan so my husband bawa kami dekat tepi sawah. Yes, our place ada sawah. Sebab tu i suka duduk sini walaupun i tak boleh nak grow (or i don't know how to grow yet). We went to this sawah place. It was during the green season. 

Dan we bought chocolate and plan nak duduk tepi sawah makan coklat sambil layan angin and view. Kebetulan pula, ada orang berhenti tepi2 sawah tu dan tengah memancing. Ada budak2 kecik juga. Since yasa lonely, so dia nak main dengan budak2 tu. Rupanya, the kids are 4 years old abang while adik is 3 years old girl. Sebaya dengan yasa. Yasa pun sangat lah seronok ada kawan, so we stayed there. 

My husband. The FRIENDLY one. Berborak dengan aunty tu. Aunty tu datang situ dengan husband dia dan dua orang kids tu are actually cucu diorang. Together with their son. Sambil mancing, husband berborak dengan aunty. I tak dengar sebab i tengah dalam mood where I dont want to talk, just smile at them once in awhile dan melayan perasaan. Kejap2, ada ikan comel2 naik. Bila dah dua ikan naik, terus terasa. "Eh bestnya, nak try jugak je ghase". 

Bila dah balik dari situ, yasa pun happy and senang je ajak dia balik. No argument, terus naik motor & bye2, and we are all happy. I pun dapat lah healing. Better mood i sikit, rasa tenang dan lega bila dapat layan angin & view. So on our way back, husband sambil bawak motor dia cerita (and yes my husband dia memang lembut hati tau, so sambil dia cerita dia sebak, huhu). Dia cerita rupa2nya dua orang kids tu anak yatim. Tak ada ayah. Ayah diorang meninggal masa abang 2 tahun, adik dalam perut. I was shocked. I selalu imagine how my boy will be without me. Yang ni, memang bebetul tak ada ayah. Dan kuatnya mak dia, masa tengah pregnant menunggu masa, kehilangan suami, kehilangan ayah untuk anak dan bakal anak. 

Beratnya. At least when I am down, I still have my kid, my husband, my bff and my boyfriend kecik. Kehilangan seseorang yang close to us ialah ujian paling kuat dan berat. I belum melaluinya lagi, but I know one day I will. That is the circle of life. Lagi kita takut, lagi Allah akan uji kita dekat situ sebab Allah nak tengok, do you trust me? Do you only rely on me? Do you trust me? Kata2 memang mudah, tapi truth is kadang iman akan goyang. Faith and words can be not align at times. Jadi i doa I mampu kuat. 

Dulu masa single, I feel like I am strong & independent. I don't need partner to be happy, i only need Allah. Tapi bila dah kawin ni lain, memang seronok & happy kawin dan ada anak ni. Tapi, ujian dia ialah at any time, u boleh kehilangan. Selalu kat TT kalau lalu VTT yang orang hilang anak, suami. Ah, that pain must felt so bad. But that is life. 

Doa i, my humblest request to Allah ialah: 

1) I hope my faith is like those in Palestin. Kuat ya amat, nothing can shake them even death or loss. 

2) I hope I can be a good wife, mother, daughter, human and of course hamba to Allah. 

3) I hope I can always be sabar. Sabar, solat dan have deep connection with Allah. 

Sesunguhnya, ujian kita berat. Tapi banyak kat luar sana yang lebih berat. I hope Allah guides me all the way dan jangan sesaat pun biarkan nasib I on my own hands. May Allah guides us all. Amin!